Aaron Yonda and Emre Cihangir duke it out in a series of five Mario Kart games. Adam Koralik is the host of the series. The contestants in the series are Aaron, the self-proclaimed prodigy and the best player in Mario Kart and Emre (Emron), who has apparently never played any of the Mario Kart games. They are competing for a trophy, a real trophy that Aaron won in Feb. 2000 in a Mario Kart Tournament. Aaron wins the coin toss and gets to select whether he wants to be P1 or P2 and gets to select the character first.
This is the inaugural year of the Mario(less) Kart Playoffs.
|1||Round 1: Super Mario Kart (SNES)||May 22, 2014||Link|
| The first round is Super Mario Kart. Allegedly, neither player has ever played this game. Even before the game starts, Aaron and Emre fights in the character selection screen and then the race selection screen. Aaron chooses Princess Peach, Emre chooses Mario. The first stage is Mario Circuit 1.
Emre begins the race in the lead. Aaron passes Emre. Emre passes Aaron back. Aaron fires a red shell at Emre and passes him. The first race ends in Aaron winning. Emre cries fowl over Aaron getting 2 red shells in a row. Aaron suggests that he can choose his items. Emre becomes frustrated that Aaron has an advantage. However, Emre makes a comeback winning first place in the Donut Plains 1 stage. The contest is now tied.
Aaron injects doubt in Emre as he approaches the Ghost Valley stage. The ghost track is full of pitfalls and Emre is convinced that he is not going to do so well there. Despite Aaron's taunts, Emre leads massively in the ghost track. Aaron, on the other hand, is in 6th place. Emre immediately becomes arrogant and claims "is there any way that I could lose at this point?" Emre ends up winning and even lapping Aaron at the end to which it sends Emre into a laughing fit and angers Aaron to no end. Aaron ranks out and a round 1 win for Aaron starts to look incredible unlikely.
They go on to the Bowser Castle 1 stage. Full of confidence, Emre mocks Aaron, putting Aaron into moody spirits. Emre discovers that Aaron was bluffing on the ability to choose an item.
Going on to the fifth stage, Mario Circuit 2, Aaron and Emre are both surprised to find one more race. However, it does not change the fact that Aaron is unlikely to make up the point difference necessary to beat Emre and all but gives up.
Round one goes to Emre.
|2||Round 2: Mario Kart 64 (N64)||May 27, 2014||Link|
|Aaron is a trophy holder in a Mario Kart Tournament. There is a handicap going into round two. Since Aaron lost the last round, Aaron has the choice of 1st or 2nd player and picking the character first and Emre must use a "third-party controller" that allegedly has buttons and a joystick that "barely work."|
|3||Round 3: Mario Kart: Double Dash!! (GameCube)||Jun 2, 2014||Link|
|According to the host, Adam, neither of them seem to recall ever having played the game. Emre will have a handicap choosing which player and character first.|
|4||Round 4: Mario Kart Wii||Jun 9, 2014||Link|
|Aaron may be crowned the ultimate failure of Mario Kart ever in the history of the universe but he does have one advantage because, he lost game 3, the handicap is now on his side. He has the choice of 1st or 2nd player, the choice of which character he wants to play as and it is up to him what controller to use. (Host Adam)|
|5||Round 5: Mario Kart 8 (Wii U)||Jun 13, 2014||Link|
| Emre has already won the tournament but Emre is willing to put his newly won trophy on the line for a chance at a talking Yoda figure Aaron has in his apartment. The stakes are high for Aaron and Emre since the winner this round would be the winner of the championship. Even more so for Aaron as his Yoda figure is now up for grabs.
Emre wins this round as well and takes home the trophy and the Yoda figure (worth about $150).
|-||Mario Kart Playoffs (2014) - REMASTERED Complete Series||Jul 20, 2017||Link|
Round 1: Super Mario Kart (SNES) Edit
- "16 bit winner" Aaron to Emre.
- Second place isn't that bad. That's why we remember the names of all the presidential runner ups.
- You're getting saltier than my nuts.
- I get all this good stuff and I win.
- You get lucky and then you win sometimes until somebody with more skill comes along.
Round 2: Mario Kart 64 (N64) Edit
- stop moving your cursor I get to choose my character
- I just wanted to make sure my controller works
- I'm first player.
- Dude what the fuck is going on with this controller look at this shit
- Using your mushrooms on a straightaway. Interesting strategy there.
- Really? Isn't that when you're supposed to use them?
- no no of course not.
- Where are you supposed to use them?
- Well obviously to cut the f*ckin curve.
- I came from a poor family. I couldn't afford Mario Kart 64.
- Poor family of failures. Every Christmas you open up boxes of empty hopelessness.
- (For some reason Emre's top speed is stunted.)
- Everybody's catching up to me. I can't stay ahead of toad.
- Emre loses at Moo Moo Farm.
- First thing you see when you walk into the Emre Ford Clinic.
- I know all you folks are in Camp Emre you know want me to win. I won't disappoint you.
- Anybody in Camp Emre, I feel really bad for you. I mean like what do people learn at Camp Emre. That's my question
- F*cking right bumper barely works god damn it
- So that's lesson number one at Camp Emre. The right bumper doesn't work.
- So sad to see another human being reach this level of failure and sh*ttiness.
- Maybe you should check into the Emre Ford Clinic for failure.
- Everybody knows that Mario Kart for the Super Nintendo is way more competitive than this bullshit. This game sucks.
- Yeah, nobody knows that.
- Everybody knows.
- Take a lesson from your old pal Aaron.
- My old cheating git cheasy f*cker pal Aaron?
- Yeah, your old git cheasy f*cker cheasy pal Aaron.
- I play the game the way it's supposed to be played. Without any thought whatsoever.
- Mario using the golden mushroom:
- God Mario Sh*t the f*ck up. (Mocking Mario) Let's Let's Let's Let's Let's Let's
- But I want to go.
- Why do you sound like a f*cking lazy female fifty-year-old.
- Did you just really say that?
- Why do I sound like a lazy fifty-year-old female?
- (Voice similar to Baby Cookie's) Yeah! I'm a Mario. I'm a middle aged... ah hahaha... yay!
- Do you feel like one of those guys who runs for president and then doesn't win. Remember when you said that you f*cking c***.
- Yeah, I feel like Bob Dole.
- They made a stained-glass window with my visage just for this. (in reference to Princess Peach's castle in the award ceremony)
- You know why I lost the race is because the blowjob you gave me after the last cup and just let me so exhausted so because you're so good at giving them.
Round 3: Mario Kart: Double Dash!! (GameCube) Edit
- You can't choose her (Daisy).
- Why can't you choose...
- I wanted to be peach and daisy
- Oh really! hahaha
- Yeah, I like to be the little girls.
- (Hovering the cursor over Baby Mario and Baby Luigi)
- What are these supposed to be like?
- Those are BABY Luigi and Baby Mario.
- Why don't they have any eyes? They look soulless.
- They do have eyes.
- No they don't. They just have little black holes in their face.
- Those are eyes.
- They're f*cking disturbing.
- Haven't you ever seen a baby's eyes? They're soulless and evil-looking.
- There's also a reference to FigureItOut Productions, Adam and Emre's enterprise.
- How the f*ck do you use an item?
- Well stop being terrible. Figure it out.
- That's not helpful.
- Oh do you want me to tell you because you made fun of me last time for telling you the answer that exact same question.
- F*ck off, I already figured it out. Shut up.
- Alright good. I would have been sad if you had never figured it out.
- What a great race! What a wonderful start!
- (Aaron mocks Emre) What a wonderful start. I'm Emre! You sound like a villian in a cartoon. (mocking continues...)
- Oh boy. You're such a sore loser, it's hilarious.
- I haven't lost. We just barely started.
- Yeah okay. It's just like, you know, you just mock me you mock me constantly. I never mock you. I just laugh at you.
- It sounds like something a villain would say .
- Yeah, heroes are well-known for mocking the villains.
- She's really lonely you know... I actually wouldn't mind it if you came by and you know gave her a little night of fun.
- That's gross.
- She needs it.
- So your mom's really lonely, Emre? That's kinda sad.
- Yeah well you know... It's what happens when you're...
- Maybe you should stop playing video games all the time and go like spend some time with her, you dick, f*cking dick.
- Wow so now you're...
- Stop gloating about winning a f*cking video gaming and go spend some time with your poor destitute mother
- You've gone beyond mocking me and you've moved on to making fun of my family life.
- I'm not making fun of anything...
- And belittling my son status.
- I'm trying to enact a positive change in your life.
- (Aaron mocking voice is similar to when Aaron mocked Moira's in Fallout For Pimps)
- I like the fact that you can get these double boxes and they get one each of your racers. I like that.
- (Aaron mocking Emre again) I like double boxes. I like that. It's neat.
- Yeah the mocking, the mocking f*cking continues.
- (Aaron mocking) I like double boxes and I don't like mocking, no. Can you stop mocking me? I only like double boxes. I just want the double boxes. My mom's too sad. I'm Emre. You make fun of my mommy.
- You're so salty. I would hate to be you. It must be really sad to just be remembering a time in your life when you were actually good at video games and not being good anymore at them
- (mocking) You make fun of me really good so then I start making fun of your age because that's all I got left. That's all I got left. The double the boxes and my mother.
- I got first place again and you got third wow wow! I think I can see how this is gonna go. So you only win in the game that you have the most experience in and I have a busted controller, so.
- Okay your controller wasn't busted. There was nothing wrong with it.
- It's a desert map. That means that Aaron's gonna fall off a hundred times and get in last place.
- (mock) I hope there's double boxes.
- Why do you keep calling them gifts?
- Because that's what they are. They're presents.
- Did we seriously both get sucked into that (quicksand). That's hilarious.
- Yeah, you got in third. I gotten first. You got beaten by a fucking computer b*tch! Hahaha I have never been as happy in my life as I am right now. Look at you. Look at you with third place. Hahaha.
- Have you seen your mom's vagina?
- Technically yes. I've been inside.
- It's really nasty, really f*cking nasty.
- You are f*cking horrible.
- Yeah, we've both been inside it.
- Well, who's the villain now? You're talking about my mother's vagina.
- I don't come out of it though, you know. I just came into it.
- Now is there any presidential third runner-up that you feel like right now, you know. Maybe like the guy from the green party or whatever that nobody knows the name.
Round 4: Mario Kart Wii Edit
- I will admit that you tried to psych me out. You tried to ice the kicker as it were by... right before you're about to start recording Emre's like "oh no wait I have to go take a crap."
- I did I had to take crap. I mean when you gotta, go you gotta go. It's from Jurassic Park. It's what they say...
- Yeah I don't remember them saying that. And you were just trying to psych me out and it was really lame.
- I wanna be a nice guy. I want you to go ahead and use the Gamecube controller.
- Really oh wow. How honorable of you. I never would have expected that from you.
- I'm trying to clean things up a little bit you know. I feel bad about insulting your mom in the last video and so I'm going to give you the better controller...
- You realize that I can never show that video to my mother because of the things you said, right. Like she's a big fan and I have to somehow hide that video from her. It's rough.
- Yeah there's a whole bunch of bikes.
- Who cares?
- Adam, what's going on here. Where are the rest of the bikes?
- They're not unlocked yet. I guess you didn't play this for long enough.
- Are you fucking serious. So I can't play the bike that I want.
- Who cares!
- You can't you can't be taking this long.
- Wow automatic manual...
- You do whatever you want, haha.
- What? Is manual like way better?
- I'm not going to say anything Emre. You've chosen very interestingly and congratulations.
- What's the difference? I don't know how to shift? I don't know how to drive drive a manual.
- It's cool man, you're the best. You're going to kick some ass here.
- Seriously, tell me what the difference is.
- What you chose like the heaviest bike in the heaviest character.
- I didn't...
- Good luck accelerating douchebag.
- I didn't know that those were things that matter.
- I will admit I'm a little nervous here Emre because if I don't win this then I'm totally out of fucking everything.
- (Emre runs into Aaron)
- Yeah, pretty glad that I'm heavy now.
- I was doing my bike thing...
- Kind of upsetting, I'm used to being like first place like the entire time and I haven't been in first place yet.
- Okay, so that's definitely what a villain would say. So those of you that are on Team Emre, as you can see, he is the villain and you're rooting for the villain.
- I'm not even using the bike I wanted to use. I don't mean to be a whiner but that is my favorite f*cking bike. Adam didn't even unlock all the f*cking bikes before we [play this. He's trying to f*cking make me lose.
- Why is that such a big deal?
- Because I want my bike. I'm not a three-year-old. I know it sounds like I am. I just wanted my bike.
- It's not like that anymore...
- Sh*tting out of your mouth, like you usually do?
- No I was sh*ting out of my ass, like you usually do.
- I usually do that. Most people sh*t out their *ss Aaron.
- As a tactic to try to psych people out and stink up their apartment so that while they're playing the game all they can do is smell Emers *ss. I walked into the bathroom after you went and the floor was wet. Why the f*ck was the floor wet?
- Because I took a sh*t, what? I took a shower.
- You didn't take a shower. You were in there to crap. There was no use of the facilities...
- Well you don't have any toilet paper so after I pooped, I had to take a shower.
- Yeah you went and you destroyed my bathroom with your asshole to try to psych me out, you son of a b*tch.
- Destroyed your bathroom with my asshole...
- That's exactly what you did. You know it.
- Just like to point out that peach looks really sexy when she jumped up in the air and spread her legs.
- I know you're trying to throw me...
- She's not wearing a dress. I don't know when she's on the motorcycle and I really find the definition of her butt crack to be exciting. So being in 10th place isn't all bad because at least I get to look at Peach's butt crack when I go and jump off things.
- You really did laugh at me for being heavy but it's been nothing but fantastic for me this whole time.
- So what does the wood creates do? Do they hurt?
- No. They're good. You're a ghost, you can just go through em.
- Are they double boxes?
- Yeah the double boxes. (Aaron mock begins) they're the double boxes, they're like the double boxes.
- ughh ughh
- Did you think it was the third lap or what? Sounds like you're taking a sh*t.
- I really thought it was the third lap.
- I had a feeling. Emre sounds really upset right now.
- Well I'm really not doing so good.
- Oh yeah. Do you feel more humble now or something?
- No I don't know if I'll say that.
- I didn't think... that's not possible for you because you're an *sshole.
- I'm an un-humble *sshole that's suddenly in second place.
- (Blue shell hits Aaron right before the finish line.)
- Well I guess I'll lose because the blue shell f*cking hit me.
- Blue shell, yes!
- Alright fine. I lose. That's cool guys, that's really great. Congratulations to Emre. He's the best because I got hit with the blue shell
- Oh snap! Oh, well actually Donkey Kong won.
- Congratulations to Donkey Kong. It was a good match my friend. Donkey Kong ran a good race, much better than Emre and much much better than me.
- Do you want to know why you won?
- What? Yes. Tell me why.
- Because Adam didn't unlocked the bike that I wanted to use, so...
- Of course. so I guess it means that the trophy is mine, right?
- Yes you can have it. I don't want it anymore.
- I want to thank God for...
- choosing the devil to win... God's obviously changed his ways and now promotes the devil's agenda
Round 5: Mario Kart 8 (Wii U) Edit
The gameplays are uncut and unedited. This is similar to the 7 Days to Die series editing style. The 7 Days to Die series started almost concurrently to the contest.
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